MEN NOW LOOKING FOR PAID PATERNITY LEAVE, too

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TODAY'S UPDATE

REAL MEN KNOW HOW to TAKE PATERNITY LEAVE !
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By Allison Stevens
WeNews correspondent
Thursday, September 23, 2010

Allison Stevens knows all about the guy who puts in long hours at the
office. He's her husband. But he's also the same man who recently took
paternity leave--and had the best time of his life.

(WOMENSENEWS)--What does it mean to be a real man at the office?

It means being a workaholic, says Joan Williams, and that has
devastating consequences for women, men and families.

Men prove their masculinity in the workplace by putting in long hours,
Williams said last week at a panel discussion at the Center for
American Progress in Washington, D.C. She was discussing her new book
"Reshaping the Work-Family Debate: Why Men and Class
Matter."

I know just what she means.

This man is my father, an attorney who spent most weekends at the
office when I was a little girl. He is also my husband, who works 10-
or 12-hour days even though he has two young children at home. He's
even my sister, a lawyer in a male-dominated firm who always asks me
to call her back at work, even if it's 10 p.m. on a Saturday.

These workers sacrifice their waking lives on the altar of modern-day
machismo.

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According to many studies, professional men's working hours rose in
the 1990s, Williams said. "They just went bananas," she
said. At the same time, men's household contributions leveled off in
the 1990s and haven't risen since.

A third--and likely related--phenomenon also occurred. "When
men's household contributions leveled off, guess what? So did women's
labor force participation," Williams said.

Those women who continue to work are still responsible for more than
their share of child care and household responsibilities. Not
surprisingly, we have become the driving force behind the growing
movement for better work-life balance.

Work Benefits Enjoyed Elsewhere

We want one of the big benefits that our peers enjoy in many other
countries: paid leave to care for ourselves or a family member who
falls ill or to bond with a new child. We also want more control over
our work schedules so we can fit a doctor appointment or a meeting
with our child's teacher into our busy workdays.

Yet despite the obvious and desperate need for these kinds of
benefits, bills that would provide them to millions of employees
around the country are going nowhere.

That's because men aren't involved in the discussion, Williams argued.
(Right, of course! They're too busy putting in long hours at the
office proving their manhood.)

"We have to open up a national conversation about the gender
pressures on men that are making them feel so unable to change,"
Williams said. "Women will continue to lose in kitchen-table
bargaining over child care and housework until we open up successfully
that conversation about men and masculinity."

This conversation has taken place in our house and it has had huge
payoffs.

Last year while pregnant with our second child, I learned that my
husband had accrued six weeks of vacation leave and a stunning eight
months of paid sick leave. I suggested (and was prepared to insist)
that he use it after the birth of our son and he enthusiastically
agreed--and actually made it happen.

I was pleasantly surprised--or should I say downright stunned--since
he works in an office comprised mostly of military officers.

He certainly has gotten his fair share of ribbing from his colleagues
for taking such an extended leave (some of his colleagues in the
military are just happy to be in the same time zone when their
children are born). But I must say, he's also gotten some surprising
and welcome chest-bumps too from envious colleagues.

One Complaint

One lingering complaint, however: He couldn't use his deep well
of sick leave during this period (which was when our son was 6 months
old) because of his gender. As a father, and not a mother, he was
apparently not entitled to use sick benefits to care for our child
because a certain limited amount of time had passed.

But he did exhaust his vacation leave--and then some--to care for our
children after I went back to work, and I cannot overstate how
fabulous it was for our family.

During these two months I was married to the equivalent of a
traditional wife and mother, with all the benefits that bestows on any
bread earner. What a gift!

But my husband was the greater beneficiary. He has often said since
that those two months (he tacked on a couple weeks of unpaid leave)
were the best of his life. He lost two weeks pay and ignored warnings
about the risk to his career, but he came out ahead, way ahead.

Sporting a beard, a baby carrier, and his version of a gender-neutral
diaper bag (a black backpack) spilling over with diapers, wipes, my
pumped breast milk and all manner of other infant accoutrements, John
headed out--often with the dog in tow, too--every morning to the park,
the museum, the playground, wherever, to spend some quality time with
his kids.

Loving Every Last Minute

He loved every last minute of it. When I asked him how he felt about
going back to work, his eyes began to water.

Now, my husband is no crier. He didn't cry when he proposed to me. He
didn't cry during our wedding ceremony. He didn't cry during the birth
of our first and second sons.

Like most men, John expresses neither joy nor sorrow through tears.

To be sure, my husband loves his job. But the mere thought of
returning to the long days and late nights of his working world--and
missing out on uninterrupted weekdays with his children--brought him
to an emotional precipice.

John and I are now talking about ways he can spend more time with the
kids, from job-sharing to flex-time and all the other options women
often wind up considering after we become mothers.

It's the kind of discussion we all need to have, not just us women.
Men may be seen as less macho in the work force if they alter their
schedule for their children, and perhaps they'll pay a price in the
same way that women do if they attempt to find that precarious balance
between work and family.

But the discussion alone can yield incalculable rewards.

Talking about ways fathers can spend more time with their children
could open up more options for dads and will push the work-family
movement forward--and it may just make a few more overworked fathers
well up with tears of joy.

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